Eczema

~ Eczema~

Does anyone knows what it means?  How it happens and what's the cause?  Can it be fully recovered?

This is one of the stress I'm facing since young.  I have it since baby. It left unlimited and plenty of scars on my body but I'm one of the lucky one whereby it's only on my body, hands and legs, not face though my face being infected before.

I'm lucky because I have many of family and friends who cares and love me so much which indirectly bring me some stress too. I just don't want to disappoint them, just want to do my best always. Hope it can be fully recovered too. Had tried many ways, any western medicine or Chinese traditional methods.  It only works awhile and it came and go always. I remembered when I went out with my parents to market or outside with shorts, people tent to look at my leg and started to asked my parents what happened to me, sometimes not even relatives or their friends, even a sales person in supermarket.  It makes me feel burden and I just don't hope my parents to face this anymore.  Even my dad will said to me, also don't understand why you can like this. At certain point, it's hurtful but also I understand that he didn't really mean that.

I always have a dream, is to become a singer, but it's not a matter to me anymore.  During secondary school, there's once my mum brought me to a specialist recommended by one of my aunt. After visited the doctor, I'm more sure that my dream can be just a dream as people cares more on outlook. The doctor said the % of being fully cured only less than 40%. If I were a child or small kid，the % of being fully recovered if much more higher.

From then, not that I give up hope or refuse to see doctors or try any methods. I just learn to accept the truth and the facts and hope even if it cures one day, it will be naturally cure by it owns without over use of any medicine or creams.

When the weather changes from time to time also affected to become worse or better and the most obvious time is when after the period of the month came, it may turns worse but will back to normal later.

The toughest time is when it get worse everytime. I don't have any mirror as I don't even know to to face or look at myself sometimes, so the best is don't look. I understand people around me feel heartache to see so but please bare in mind, I'm the real person who experiencing it.  Though I always act like don't care but I care more than anyone else. The worst is I can feel the pain of my skin even o just lie on the bed or sitting doing nothing.  I always thought of go for injection, but for what?!  Temporarily cure and no pain anymore?

I just hope it really can cure naturally one day but I dare not think for much. As long as it never turns from bad to worse and not pain especially when bathing. Bath is one of the thing I'm afraid of as I'm too afraid of the pain and suffering. I need thousands of reason to get myself into a bathroom and to turn on the shower and let the water splash on me.  Except for my hair and face uses cold water, the rest I use hot water to bath as it can cut down my pain.

How it feels when the water splashes on me? It's like the wound which splashes by salt as if like the sharp knife stab into ur lungs and heart which makes you can't breath as it's too painful. And you imagine that I have to go through this process everyday. My mental almost break down at certain stage 6 or 7 years ago. Because of family and friends who loves, cares and supports me which keeps me live until now.

I understand that sometimes people will look at me weirdly when I go out and even some friends afraid of me and don't even let me touch anything of theirs as they afraid they might get infected too. It's ok and I understand and learn to accept the facts now.

I met a very good skin specialist who told me this before, 'even if I give you medicine, it only helps for some time, for temporary only. Stress of work maybe one of the causes too.  Have you ever thought of resign from your audit job?  Most importantly is stay happy and positive mind always.  Can read more helpful related books and try out for meditation as it may keep your mind calms. These matters will help too. Must have faith and belove in yourself always that it will cure one day.  Positive mind is very important to make it happens.'

His words makes me stay stronger and keep my mind more positive always as I'm too good in controlling my own mind since young.

Feels much better after expressing it out my words through heart.  Hope people will understand people who suffering from eczema, it won't infect others and please do not look down on them. We are also human being just that our skin looks not as good as others only. Please be friend with them and do not say something hurtful to them. Support and loves are needed from people more than any words.

Hope everyone stay happily and keep the mind positively abs let's pray that people with eczema will fully recover one day or so long as it never turns worse than already good enough. Smile always.  😄

~Raining again~

It has been raining since last month after the haze matter solved. It's good to rain to have cooler weather but sometimes it's still very hot after the rain, and it's troublesome as need to carry an umbrella whenever I go.

It's Saturday and I'm home for the whole day again. Recently, just enjoy reading and resting at home during weekend unless my aunts and uncles come down to kl then only I follow them out. Also because of no worth and nice movies to watch in cinema recently, if not, I sure out for movie every Saturday morning at TGV KLCC for only RM8 in the morning before 12pm. It save a lot as normal price is around RM18 or RM20.

I thought of having dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. Nah...please do not get me wrong. Just want to have dinner with my sister but no choice as due to the corn matter, my sister needs her bf to fetch wherever she goes and even to work so I have no choice but to dinner with both of them. And this doesn't mean I accept them. But ended up dinner alone at the Chinese stall.

I was too tired and busy until I had forgotten that my cousin sister from Singapore told me that she will be going back to hometown this week which was yesterday night. I only recall back when I saw her facebook saying that she's on the way back by bus and it's a little jam on the way due to the landslide at Karak highway.

Today is one of my aunt (Shen's mum) birthday too. Everyone is having dinner, enjoying and gathering at one of my cousin's house at hometown. So miss all of them and the atmosphere. Too bad that I only going back next week. After all, we still can meet up during Chinese New Year next year.

What I'm doing now other than blogging? Chatting with friends and cousins on facebook while waiting for something to complete, boring. Later continue watching my dramas and variety show when back home. And suddenly thought of him (the let guy) again but not miss. It's normal as he flashes in mind sometimes. Saturday oh Saturday~.

- It's Life -

I wonder how life should be? How to live a more happier and interesting life. Everything happens for a reason. What I'm facing now may not be just me, alone facing the same problem. There are so many people in this world who may facing slightly the same problems.

It's normal to have difference problems from time to time. It's just the matter of time and how the person solve it. It's depending on the seriousness and how the person think of the problems. Not everyone choose to face it, there may be people who choose to avoid their problems as may due to they afraid of loosing it or get hurt or the reality is too scary or painful to them to accept it. Not even me, myself can directly deal with my own problems all the time.

"I should resign! I must resign now! But how if I can't find any job yet? What I really want to do? What sort of job I should look for and more suitable for me?", it keeps going round and round in my mind. It's crazy. My body  is giving such a bad signal whereby I wake up late sometimes in the morning or tend to search for all sorts of reasons just to skip from work. I understand and very clear that this is a company which I should leave very soon and can't stay any longer.

I can just resign anytime and return to my hometown as there's a permanent job waiting for me. I even can get some of the shares of the company and work there for life. It's such a good opportunities and can save up my rental and transport expenses and even able to take care of my parents all the time. But why? Why I choose to stay here?

It's because it ain't any other places, it's a place i grow up and it's comfortable to live there with my parents and some friends. I'm afraid! I'm afraid that if I were to go back, then I will not be coming out from that place anymore. Not that I can't but it's hard. Deep down my heart will fill with infinite guiltiness if i were to tell my parents that, "mum, dad, it's time for me to go out again, to kl or overseas for work. Till that time, how old I am already? How many years left for me to take care of my parents? How can I just leave them behind?" These are all the facts which causing and pulling my back.

One thing I'm very sure of for now is to get my work done as usual everyday and leave the company as soon as possible once I clear my debts. Till then, I should stay strong, wake up early, go to work and shall not think of any reasons from skipping work. Sometimes, really thought of giving myself an Oscar Award as I'm too good in acting. Such scary actress like me in faking myself in facing something. Please do keep in mind whereby this is not a person should be. Haha.....

~ LiFe iN NeW HouSe ~

I’m no longer as talkative as last time anymore ever since I shifted to my new house a month ago. Slowly and slowly I’m returning back to last time the quiet me who even can didn’t talk for a few months when I first entered my secondary school. Never judge a book from its cover. No one knows how I actually feel now and nobody expect I will become like this. Although I always smile and laugh, but am I really smile and laugh from bottom of my heart? Does it matter? May be it doesn’t matter. So long as I always bring happiness to people then my life sure will be more meaningful and wonderful.

I’m more easily happy than sad. I can even laugh when people scolded me. What I laugh for? Actually I always laugh at my own mistakes then after that, I will change it and avoid from repeating the same mistake again. Furthermore, I also laugh myself when I fell down though is embarrassing. You may think that I’m crazy but actually I’m not because that’s me, Sjhvaun Khong Yi Yin. You will know me better when you get to know me.

Oh no! I’m out of topic. Ok, return to the main topic, ‘life in my new house’. Do I feel lonely at home? Honestly, yes, sometimes I do feel lonely. Sometimes my housemates and roommate may think that I’m weird. My life is just study and nothing other than that. Normally, I prefer to stay back in library to study or do homework after class. This habit had occurred since last semester where by I dislike go home mainly because I didn’t want to go home to see my ex-roommate. That time may be because I couldn’t stand of her strange attitude. But I cannot deny saying that I don’t have attitude problem. I believe that I also have some attitude problems sometimes. Although how worst was the situation, I still will share all my problems with my previous roommate once I back from college regardless of happy or sad things, I still will tell. But now, I never even share my problems neither with my new roommate nor housemates. I never talk or talk extremely less once I back home nowadays. I rather keep all my problems in the deep bottom of my heart also I won’t say out. May be because I don’t get along with them, I always stay in my own room once I back home. What I’m doing in my room? Watch series or anime or study or do homework. Mostly, I will just do homework and study by listening songs. That’s my life! Actually I have a quite close friend in my current house. But I don’t know why I talk less or even don’t talk nowadays. I really don’t know why. Whenever I face difficulty, I will think of all sorts of ways to settle it myself and I never ask for my housemates or roommate’s help. One of the reason of always be in my room may be because of I think that I have my own life and they have their own life. Everyone has their own freedom and own life. And that’s why I never inform anyone, not even my roommate about where I went and what time I’m going back although sometimes I do go home late.

So, believe or not, that’s the yi yin in the new house. And that’s my life in my new house.

~ First Dinner at my New House ~

I can never feel that kind of feeling (family warm) again ever since my grandma passed away. My family has a lot of problem and it can't be solve already. For very long time, I unable to eat home cooking food as my mum don't cook for family anymore. So, we have to always eat outside.

Today, again I can feel the warm of a family. Thanks to my housemates and their parents! Thanks a lot for cooking for us too! The dishes and porridge were delicious! Because of them, I able to taste home cooking again. Thx God too! Thanks God for arranging all these for me!

During the dinner, there were soup, fry egg, chicken and potatoes. It's tasty! Although my housemate accidentally cooked the rice into porridge for us but I don't mind whether it's rice or porridge. It's still very delicious. My seat was facing the balcony and could see the blue sky. It’s a memorable evening. I will never forget the dinner and blue sky which very different from other days. To me, it's a meaningful and unforgettable dinner. A table of ten of us included my housemates’ parents were enjoying the dinner. We sat and ate together. It was just like a reunion dinner which every1 sitting together and eating on the same table. It's touching. I hope I can able to feel so again. Thx everyone (all my housemates, their parents and my roommate)! I will never able get to feel so without all of you. I will never forget such memorable moment!

~ Bath in My New Bathroom ~

Wow…wow…wow….it was so cool & interesting! It was my first time taking bath in my new house. In other words, I was bathing in my new bathroom for the first time! I will never forget that kind of feelings. I don’t know how to describe it, but it made me feel speechless and yet excited. It might be my unforgettable experience.

As I don’t have any experience in washing my clothes myself, so I just simply rub it by using hand on the floor in the bathroom. But the floor is so dirty. It looks dirtier than my previous house. When I was rubbing my clothes, I saw those yellow colour bubbles flowing out. I was wondering it’s from my clothes or the floor? Haha….I kept felt very ‘geli’ while I was washing my clothes as the floor is so dirty. I spend more than half an hour just to wash two of my T-shirts. Oh my god…it’s so long, right? Actually it was a very good experience for me. Since then, I can feel it’s not easy for my grandma to wash our clothes by using hand. Finally, I’m able to feel how’s the feeling of washing clothes by using hand rub. It’s a hard job. But it considered fun for my first time.

~ Problems ~

Aih…is already 4.30am. Why I am still stay awake? Actually every night about 3.30am I will wake up then until may be 5am only can continue sleep again. What is in my mind? Results! Results! Results! It’s all over my mind. I can’t wait for the results release in next semester. I’m extremely worried of my results ever since my exam had finished.

Every day and night I can’t stop thinking of what kind of results I will get? Passed with flying colours? Or fail either of the subjects? Oh God, please let me pass all the 6 subjects with flying colours. I keep on praying everyday for my results.

Although one of my friends had told me to be confidence in whatever things we do. I always believe that I sure can pass all my subjects with flying colours without fail either of it. Even if so, but I still very worry that what if I fail either of it? I sure can’t accept the fact of failing wither of the subjects. Then, I sure will start to act abnormally and may be even do some crazy stuff which normally I won’t do it. I might be crazy or act abnormally for one week or one month.

My family problems have become more and more serious and my mum is already hopeless, can’t help her anymore. I’m quite disappointed when I back Kuantan for semester break this time. Every thing has change since my dearest grandma had passed away on 29/3/2008. My pity grandpa has nothing to eat. They only let him eat a few pieces of biscuits with plain water. How can an old man survive like this? He has not enough nutrients and getting thinner and thinner. How can they treat him like that? He’s our grandpa or their father or father-in-law. It’s cruel! So, every morning when I am out breakfast with my dad, I will buy some food for my grandpa for his tea break. It is at least much better than see him only eat few pieces of biscuits with plain water.

The noisy and full with laughter house had become a gloomy and quiet house since my grandma passed away. Many of them seldom go back to visit my grandpa. And those family politics had occurred. It’s very sad and heartache to see so. Luckily my grandpa still alive, else, I think I don’t need to go back to my grandparents’ house anymore. I really miss those days when everyone gather and joke together at my grandparents’ house. Although half a year had passed, but I still will burst into tears whenever I miss my grandma so much sometimes. I believe my grandma would not want to see this if she’s still alive.

I have a lot of friends; I also have many good friends. But it doesn’t mean I have a true and best friend. I really don’t know who to tell all my problems. That’s why I choose to keep it in the thousand meters deep bottom of my heart. Firstly, I thought of sharing it with my elder sister, but can’t because she also got her own problems and very busy with her activities and studies. So, I don’t want to add on her burden. In college, I have a friend to share with but I think sometimes I make her feel annoying and irritating. Although she didn’t say so, but can see from the way she acts. Lastly, my last choice is my ex-best friend who is one of my housemates now. I trust him so much but I choose not to tell him after so many things had happened because I scare I will make him feel trying. In conclusion, nobody can tell, right? So, the very last choice is keep it and don’t tell. I really hope we can return to like previously we can talk everything. Then, I don’t need to keep it anymore. I hope you will be my listener and adviser no matter what happen every time. I remember you had told me before that we must look forward, don’t look back to the past, must always improve ourselves. But no matter what, no one can live alone, right? Still need some one to talk to, right? I really hope you can always be my listener and adviser in those coming days.

It’s already 5.30 am. So, I shall stop here and go to sleep now. Hope you will get what I mean in the last few sentences in the second last paragraph. Look forward for the next semester and my results. I hope my results will be passed with flying colours.

~ Commend From my Ex-Roommate (1st roommate) , KS ~

2008年9月14日 星期日

室友篇

艺颖，你要我写一篇关于你。

现在，我写了。

我知道，其实你是在意别人怎么看你的。 是吗？

我觉得这样没有错。我也是这样的人。

其实，只是假假不在意而已。（我会假假偷听别人有没有讲我的坏话。不能告诉别人哦）：）

很羡慕她做人处事的能力。很羡慕她那容易认识朋友的性格。

啊， 你几时看《家好月圆》？ 很喜欢“管家仔”的角色。

你看了记得跟我讲你喜不喜欢你的林峰作的管家仔”角色。

这一篇是我很夜写的，因为明天要回ＫＬ见你啦，很紧张。　嘻，骗你的啦。　

因为这样写你会不会觉得很感动，很惊喜叻？

我要回去了，记得。。。。sorry 网上不宜。不写了。

以后，　写一篇打马赛克的给你。> . –

是不是，应该写英文叻？　现在，我的英文不好。　白涩。

跟你讲一样东西啊。

阿，还有一样东西。　我的室友是一个很好说话的人。可以跟她讲很多东西。

包括我的一些秘密。我相信很多人都喜欢跟她讲东西，讲话吧。可以让人很放心。

阿，我要跟你讲的东西是。。。呃。。。。　那我以后可不可以在MSN上跟你讲话，讲心事阿？ 残了，给我妹看到她会不会吃醋？（妹，因为你常很忙咯！）

我要跟你讲的东西是我去见工了！ 是兼职幼儿园老师，教四岁的小朋友。四岁一定很可爱 ^^ 。 但是没开始， 因为那工交通不方便。

Sorry 在这里很长写了那么多。

你跟我讲过你有个知己。 很羡慕你。真的。

现在，或者开心为什么写布落格，

可以分享一些些东西。 （原谅我写得一块块。）

英文要加强，中文也要加强。

谢谢你跟我分享怎样认识朋友。

还有，要保护自己！

不要那么心软，也不要那么心硬。

不要那么心软，是因为你要不让人容易欺负你。

不要那么心硬，是因为。。。（不知怎么写，　总之你应该知道我讲什么。）

我朋友很少。　

离开KL 后，又少了一个朋友在身边。

但无论怎样，“朋友，加油吧！ ”

发表者 lis vespera 位置在： 上午11:46

~ Can’t Afford to Loose Anything Anymore ~

Firstly, I had lost my dearest grandma who passed away on 29th march 2008. After she passed away, a lot of family politics had exist. My mum and all her brothers and sisters had divided into a few gangs. I believe my grandma doesn’t want to see so. I don’t understand why such things can happen! Why can’t they just get along together as happy as last time. What’s going on? Soon, my mum even don’t allow me and my sister keep on touch with other cousins whom from other gangs. I thought it was my mum’s generation problems and not the next generation problems! We’re innocent! What’s the matter if we keep in touch with other cousins?

I’m in KL. I don’t know what actually happen at my hometown and my mum. Ever since my grandma passed away, my mum has changed a lot. She doesn’t really care of her family. She’s like get addicted with Buddhism. It’s good for sometimes but not until get too addicted till leave the family aside. It’s definitely wrong! She should have always remembered she still has 2 kids which is my younger sister and me. I heard my sister said that my mum always scold her and even not satisfy with her results no matter how good she score or even improve compare to previous exam. My sister even complained to me that my mum seems like treat people’s daughter like her own daughter but treat her own daughter like other people. What’s wrong with her? I also want to know but I can’t as I’m in KL. I want to help my family but it’s a bit hard. I don’t want to see my mum like that. I called her once my results were out and I felt like why she’s like so surprise and a bit like can’t recognize me. I felt strange. How can my mum become like that? I don’t want to loose my mum. Oh mum, please come back and please awake!

Soon, before this semester started, I had lost a best friend of mine. The word “lost” not refers to my best friend had passed away but it refers to my best friend and I are no longer best friend. Not even normal friends too as I don’t trust that friend anymore! But may be just hi-bye friends. For now, I don’t hope to see that friend. I need time for it! Even when I saw that friend in college, I just turned back and walked away. You may say that I’m avoiding but actually not! Is just that I don’t want to see that friend!

Luckily I still have this blog to express everything out. As I’ve no more best friend and no more people I can talk to. So, if anything I just will type out here. If without this blog, I think i'll collapse soon or stress out as I unable to handle all this problems.

~ Happy Day ~

Wuhoo! Finally everything is over! Although I might be angry or disappointed sometimes but I fee good after release everything out and finally game over! Yeah!! Yippi!!

I was a bit confused of want to go sing k or go home? But at last I choose to go home to sing k as today is Saturday and is weekend. It’s expensive to sing k on weekend and I wanted to save my money. Although singing karaoke at home myself but still very fun and high! I had sang many songs which with high vocal. Wow…it was damn ‘shuang’! Can express all my feelings and everything out at once! Luckily I was home alone and sang in my room so no one complain. Haha……

After that, I was still not really happy yet. So, I decided to spend some of my money as I had saved a lot of money this week. Then, I went to KLCC BOOK FEST to look for books and bought some Japanese drama series. It was cheap. I love books! I felt so happy to see so many books once I just enter the book fest. Soon, I had forgotten everything and bought things with a happy mood. That’s fun and happy! From this thing, I can prove that I can even leave alone and go out alone without friend. I won’t feel lonely but happy! Actually after that happen, I only realize that I like is the ‘U’ last time and not the ‘U’ know her and started to get influence and change. As a friend, I only can say until here. in the coming future, hope you'll see things clearly. No matter what, today is still my happiest and most enjoyable day! Thanks God for everything! Thanks God!

~ Home Alone ~

I’m glad that I’m home alone again! Is very happy of being so as I can sing as loud as I can until the peak of the world! To express everything out at once especially anger will let people feel better after that. From now onwards, me, KHONG YI YIN will be brave! Can stand by myself and accept any challenge! I won’t be afraid of anything anymore! Even facing all the problems by myself or alone!

As long as is my own problem, I’ll settle all by myself and won’t ask for any helps unless is under a team. Furthermore, I won’t tell any friend of my own problem anymore! No friend can be relying on even your very best friend. Even a best friend also can disappoint you!

A friend in need is a friend indeed. How true is this phrase? You try out yourself, and then you’ll know the answer. In my opinion, this phrase is not really true! There’s sometimes you need to help or face any problems by yourself! Especially during urgent or something bad had happened and you need help, there’s no people will help especially your very best and trusted friend! And that’s the time you only can help yourself! I don’t care anymore! So long as I’m happy and that’s all!!

~ Because I’m KYY ~

Is a promise! A promise to myself that I’ve to protect myself and be stronger than other girls! And also not to show my weaknesses I front of anyone especially guys! Although sooner or later I’ll be the only girl in my house, but I’m not afraid of it! So what! Actually I thought of shift out long time ago, but I didn’t do so as the main reason is I’m so lucky to stay opposite my lecturer’s house. Furthermore, I quite like the house I’m staying now and I’m happy with it and the rental is also quite cheap. As a result, I won’t shift unless I have to or force to.

If I want to shift, I also won’t ask anyone for help to search for a nice room. It’s my own problem! I’ll settle myself! I don’t need anyone’s help! You may feel weird that why I’m becoming so? Is because of too many times of disappointments until I can’t stand it anymore! I dare not hope or expect for anything anymore. And also I don’t want to be dependable! So, I rather to depend on myself rather than depend on others! Because I’m not like other people can be reliable and got people to protect. I’m not! So, I must be more protective and independent! That’s why I don’t need anyone’s help!

Do you think my friends will visit to my house? No! I don’t think so! Maybe will have a few of them or maybe not even either of them. Will it makes me feel lonely? No, I don’t think so! Maybe will feel that sometimes but I believe that I’ll be able to overcome it! This is all because of I’m KYY and not others!

~ Mother’s Day ~

11 May is Mother’s Day in year 2008. The celebration this year is a bit different as my grandma had passed away. Previously, when my grandma was still alive, all my uncles, aunts and cousins will return to Kuantan to celebrate Mother’s Day with my grandma. But it won’t be anymore! I just hope that everyone will be back to celebrate Father’s Day with my grandpa.

This year Mother’s Day is just like normal day for me. There’s nothing special. Each family, celebrate themselves and separately. Really miss those days that my grandma still alive and everyone gather together to share and joke together. That’s the happiest moments ever which I won’t forget! I hope will have chance like that again. Even one time also doesn’t matter. So long as everyone is happy. =)

In the afternoon of the Mother’s Day, my cousins, sis and I make ‘wantan’ and cook for my aunt and mum to eat. It’s as an appreciation to our mum. I didn’t even give anything to my mum as present on that day. So, we just cooked ‘wantan’ and noodles to let them eat as lunch. Although was just like that, I could feel that our mum was very happy for it. For them, the most important thing is we able to do well in our studies, score flying colours and be a successful person in the future and never forget them! So, I must do well in my exam so that I won’t disappoint any of them! I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA! I LOVE YOU TOO, MUM! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!! ^^

~ Acknowledgement ~

You have taught me a lot since the day I know you. I’ve learned many things from you. When first I came to KL, I never thought of learn to cook. And I don’t even know “sharing is caring”. I learned all this from you! After I had started and tried to cook some dishes, the first thing came to my mind was, I must learn to cook delicious ‘tau fu’ for my grandparents especially my grandma after I back to my hometown. Although it’s too late, I unable to cook for my grandma, but at least I do learn how to cook. Although my food taste badly sometimes, but you still will finish it and able to give me some feedback as referent to improve my cooking skill every time.

Before I came to KL, I always thought of leaving my family to some other places will lead to happier life. But I'm wrong! I’ve learned from you that family is always comes first. Because no matter what happen, family members will always be with you and support you. Actually sometimes, I’m quite envy you that you’ve such harmony and happy family. My family become more harmony after I study in KL. Although I don’t know what’s the actual reason but I’m happy to see so. I’ve also learned from you that we’ve the right to voice out our dissatisfaction and to improve the relationships between our family members.

All I want to say is thank you very much! Thanks for everything! You’ve taught me a lot of things. And I apologize that I’m quite annoying sometimes. And sorry for always troubling you. May be I’m not a good friend all this while. I won’t be trouble or ‘fan’ you anymore. Anyway, thanks for everything! You’re always a good friend of mine! =)

~ DREAM ~

Normally the 2nd dream will not connect with the 1st dream. But this time my both dream were slightly connected to each other. I dream if my grandma twice! Finally, my dreams come true!

In my 1st dream, I was having a walk with my grandma at a beach at night. Suddenly, we saw a mad dog that running around and chasing people. Everyone was running away for their life. Soon, the mad dog ran towards my grandma and bites her hand. So her hand was injured. Then, I cried. But my mum said, “What for you cry? Your grandma had died”. This is the part where I’m still confused whether that is my grandma or not. But I really saw my grandma’s hand was injured and was bleeding in the dream.

The 2nd dream was located at my grandpa’s house. Some of my cousins, aunts & uncles and I were there. We were having some conversation. After that, don’t know who mentioned about play cards or mahjong. So, my grandma volunteers to teach us to play cards or mahjong. Then, I woke up!

I wonder will I dream my grandma again tonight after I sleep? Will the dream continue with my 2nd dream? But one thing for sure, if I score my exam with flying colors, I’ll sure show it to my grandma! I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA! And I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

~ My FeeLiNGs ~

Three weeks had passed after my grandma had passed away. The passage “TAU FU” is the only and last passage in my blog that I wrote regarding my grandma a few years ago before she get stroke last year. Although there’s many grammatical error, but I won’t correct it. If I correct it, it may change the feel of the whole passage. The passage is very valuable and priceless for me. I won’t get to write such passage anymore! No more in my life!

The things I worry all the while happened after my grandma passed away. Which was I unable to let go of her. I spend a week to put down and let go of her. On that week, I did many things which I never do before and was like another me. I cried the whole day during the funeral and I even will get emotion whenever mentioned about my grandma. Many things had happened when I was not in college although only for two days. On Friday, I felt very lost after my class at 4p.m. I didn’t even know where to go. Then I walked to the college bus stop and sat there for some time. After that, I decided to go to watch movie alone. My first thought was watched comedy so that I can laugh. Soon, I watched two movies continuously. All those never happen in my life before!

On Saturday was my grandma’s 7th day. I purposely drunk myself so that I’m able to dream my grandma and to forget all those unhappy stuffs. I really did so but I don’t know whether I was drunk or not. My friends also shocked to hear so. After that day, I started to accept the fact and let go of my grandma. But I hate every Saturday 2.++ am which is the time my grandma passed away. It will be my 2nd unforgettable memory in my life. It’s hard to forget that moment. To be honest, I still will cry every Saturday 2.++ am once it refresh back in my mind. I really miss my grandma so much!

After I studied in KL, I seldom called back. The last time I talked to my grandma on phone was the mid of my first semester before she get stroke on September 2007. Actually I planned to cook for her during my break in 1st semester. But it was too late! She get stroke in a sudden and many things had started to change. So, just do whatever you feel like doing before it’s too late! And appreciate every moment you’re having now! You may not know what will happen in the next second! Enjoy your life and always be happy! After all, I’ll appreciate my every moment with my grandpa and everyone now.

~ LasT WeeK's ToDaY ~

Last week’s today brought many changes. I still remember my cousins and I were staying awake at the living room. Because was our turn (every Friday night) to take care of my grandma. I was too sleepy so I went into the room to sleep at 2am. But two of my cousins still watching “Flood” at the living room. Once my cousin brother didn’t hear any sound from my grandma, he went to see awhile but she’s still breathing. Later, my aunty came down to see, she noticed that my grandma heart beat had stopped.

Suddenly, I was woken up by my cousin sister at around 2.30am. I was quite blur at that time and didn’t know what’s happening. So, I just woke up and walked out to the living room. Then, my aunt suddenly asked me to touch my grandma’s chest to make sure that my grandma’s heart beat had stopped. I put my hand on her chest and I really can’t feel anything which means her heart beat had stopped and died peacefully. That’s the moment many things started to change. Then, everyone started to pray for my grandma by sitting around her. We prayed 8 hours continuously and we’re not allowed to touch her in between the 8 hours.

At first, I’m still able to control my feeling but sooner or later I still burst into tears. I refresh back everything about my grandma and my tears kept like a water pipe non-stop flow out the water. Actually I was told not to cry in front of my grandma because scare that she’ll unable to let go us and go peacefully. My grandpa didn’t even know my grandma had passed away. We only told him after the 8 hours pray because scare he’ll touch my grandma after tell him. He’s so sad and angry and kept scolding us why don’t we tell him earlier. My uncles console him. He cried and went into the living room to touch my grandma before other people make up for my grandma and cover her with a cloth. After that, she was carried out and put it into a coffin and the funeral held at outside the house for 5 days.

~ EnD a FrIEndShIP ~

Have you ever think of ending a friendship with anyone? To be honest, I did think of it before. It’s very stupid for me to think so. Furthermore, I even thought of I’ll be more happy if I end the friendship with my friend. But I might be loosing 2 friends at once if I do so. I’m so selfish and never think of what they think. That’s not me! Oh my god, I must be crazy and out of my mind!

What makes me think of ending the friendship? It may be because there’s something that I still can’t accept it. May be I can accept it when time passes. But I think it might take a very long time for me to accept it. I understand that we had gone through many things before. I appreciate it so much! May be you all may think that I’m ‘small gas’. But have you all thought of it deeply by standing at my side. Then, you all will know how I feel of the upset and disappointment. I don’t think I’ll continue to type this passage anymore because it may causes some troubles or conflicts if I continue it. I don’t hope to see so happen!

Actually is extremely hard to end a friendship with anyone especially your good friend. May be I won’t ask for help or anything anymore. I’ll always try my best to help myself. I’ll protect myself from getting sad and hurt. Because I want to be the cheerful me and no longer sad anymore. My tears is going to dry up if I keep crying everyday and is just like ‘one liter of tears’. Because I’ve so many problems in this semester that causes the tears can’t stop flowing.

Do you think that I want to be so? No! I was affected by the surrounding, by it happens around me every moment. Disappointed and sadness are also apart of it that are also affecting me. May be one day you all may found out that I’m no longer that person you all anymore.

~ SuRRenDeR ~

Finally, I loose! I loose to myself! I surrender! I always thought that I can live alone but really can’t. For people like me, sure won’t feel lonely because I always make friends everywhere. But when I feel sad and down that time, there’s no one to console me, not even one of them. When I really need help or a friend to accompany me or console me, but no! No one will! I always thought that I’m a very tough girl that can face all the problems and settle everything just by my own because I don’t want others to worry or trouble others. To be honest, sometimes is really very tiring being so tough.

Oh God, please bring her along with you to heaven. Please let her leave peacefully and beautifully. That’s what my grandma hopes for. Pleas don’t let her suffer anymore. When she’s suffering, not only she feels the pain but everyone around her too. I believe that I sure will cry when she leaves but I willing to let her go. I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.

Don’t worry grandma! Even if nobody always beside me to console me after you leaves, I believe I sure can overcome it by myself. Although is hard and it needs time, but time will rove everything. So, you may go peacefully anytime. I love you forever!

~ The First Day of School and my Results ~

Actually there’s nothing special with my first day of school. I was shocked to hear the news this early in the morning. There were 85% of students fail their FOA. How could it be? We’re accounting students and so many of them fail? Oh my god! From that moment onwards, I can’t really concentrate in my lecture. Another reason was also because I was having heavy flu. Since then, I’m prepared and ready to see any of the subject fail.

After reached home, I was so nervous and can’t wait to check for my results. I was so impatient! May be because there’re many people log into the website to check their results, so it’s hard to log in to the web page. I tried for a few times only get to log in. My results are bad although I pass all the subjects. To be honest, I quite satisfy with my results and I know what causes me can’t get A. The results are worse than the previous results. My mum was so disappointed and sad cause of I didn’t get any A.

I’m not a genius or intelligent person. So, I must work many times harder than other people to get A. It’s not an easy job. Now only I realize that I always study so hard and aim so high not only for myself but main for my parents and relatives. I don’t want to disappoint them and I don’t want to look down by other people. From an active yi yin become a passive yi yin. By staying at home study and only go out once in a blue moon.
What’s happening? I really have no idea. Aih……